Chicago Barbies...

 

Highland Park Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus or BMW SUV or a souped-up Hummer 2, gets lost easily, and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional: matching gym outfit.

Cicero Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab Ken. Talking version also speaks Spanish and includes two sons: Cesar, star of his high school soccer team; and Jose, wanted in four states.

Oak Lawn Barbie: This version has relocated from the city and comes with her very own street sign to post in the backyard, and a basketball hoop to hang from the garage roof. Doctor's fees to pay for counseling when E.J. Korvettes, Shopper's World and Zayre's closed are extra.

Lincoln Park Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with knee-high black boots, a Louis Vitton handbag, choice of a BMW sports car or New Convertible Beetle, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken. Season pass to the zoo and Chicago Sport and Social Club membership sold separately.

Alton and Peoria Barbie: This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light And a Hank, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's hiney when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Alsip Barbie: This version has it all; tattoo of a snake on her upper thigh, every eye shadow shade Maybelline has ever made, a can of Aqua Net, and two sets of keys for her doublewide. Optional accessories include sidewalks and a pick up. Bumper sticker that says: "My kid can beat up your honors student" sold separately.

Halsted Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and arch-less feet, Berkenstocks, no makeup and a mutt. Or Boy-cut brown highlighted hair, Ambercrombie Tee and cargos, combat boots and a pitbull.

Humboldt Barbie: This bee-atch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, miniskirt and tons of makeup.

Lake Forest and Kenilworth Barbie: This True Blonde shops exclusively in town. She drives a Land Rover (sold separately). She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies.

She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny; Tagalog to speak to the cook; and Polish for the house painter and housekeeper respectively. Her family owns a winery in Napa, but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's - hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover.

Berwyn Barbie: Big hair sprayed black hair with overdone makeup and housecoat, cooks up a batch of mean meatballs and lasagna. Comes with plastic covered sofas and a fridge in the basement for company.

Wrigleyville Barbie: Cubs hat and tank top, bleacher tan, Kosher hot-dog and overpriced Old Style in hand. Optional accessories include a wooden porch that can accommodate up to 24 of Barbie's best friends. Keg (and Ken) not included.

Beverly Barbie: This talking Barbie says: "Did you know I am Irish? Irish rules!" and sings the South Side Irish song. Comes with a bottle of lite beer and U of I T-shirt. Also includes an assortment of "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons and green accessories for the South Side parade. Boyfriend Ken wearing a white hat, Sister Skipper wearing McAuley uniform, and cousin Joe in his Crusaders sweatshirt (sold separately).

South Side Barbie: Goes by the name of Barbeequa and for one low price, includes all of her sistahs: Midgeequa, Jauneequa, Shaneequa, Taneequa, and Lulu; and all of her brothers, Leroy, Willie (gold toof extra), Tyrone, George, George and George. They all live together in her two-room tenement, furnished with the latest in leather and zebra prints. Bling bling sold separately.

Bridgeport Barbie: This Barbie also talks and all of her sentences Include an assortment of "d's" and "doe's." She owns her own bungalow and comes with season tickets to the White Sox.

Northbrook Barbie: Her authentic Coach bag is always filled with plenty of cash from daddy's bank. She and her friends from high school, including Hazelle, come complete with animal intestines, paint cans, fecal matter, kegs of beer and a video camera. Lawyer's fees are extra.

Oak Brook Barbie: Authentic Kate Spade wallet includes credit cards From Fields, Nordstrom and Saks, and a photo of the family dog, Rex. Comes with monogrammed towel set for her mornings at the bath and tennis club, and riding pony (with real hair) for her afternoons at the polo grounds. Kitchen set provided by Tiffany & Co. Backyard runway for her private jet sold separately.

Willow Springs Barbie: Has a complete wardrobe for her weekends of ballroom, two-step and line dancing. Boyfriend Ken comes complete with a beautiful brown UPS uniform (shorts are extra) and a bicycle to get to work (delivery truck sold separately).

Chicago Ridge Barbie: Comes complete with a uniform from Our Lady of The Ridge and four monogrammed bowling shirts. Talking version brags of having the best handicap on the South side and being able to drink Ken under the table. Accessories include a mitt for 16-inch league games, six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a pack of Marlboro Lights, and a rusted pick up with chains on the tires.

Orland Park Barbie: This is a grown-up version of Barbie with three kids, all of whom got straight A's in school, 36's on the ACT, and college scholarships because they were the best on the team. Includes blowhard husband Ken, who is seen and heard at every little league game; daughter Midge, head cheerleader; and son Ken, Jr., the captain of the football team.

The standard version comes with a Ford Windstar, a bi-level in Brook Hills and an assortment of Coach and Kate Spade knock offs bought at a house party. The talking version says "Not MY kid. He wouldn't do that" and "Really? My cleaning lady won't do laundry!" The deluxe version comes with faux fur and a home in Crystal Tree that will never be paid off in their lifetime. Orland Park Barbie has a twin sister named Naperville Barbie (sold separately).